LEON DAVIS

WELCOME EARTH don't be shy, leave a comment, or a poke in the eye.....bluescityleon@gmail.com

March 22, 2016

ANY WRITERS OUT THERE? cRITIQUE ME

............Comments may not be true.. Just like anything you read see or hear. But if you engage your frontal lobs you will get what you look for, if you look with all your heart .............

Any writers out there? Critique me please:
It’s a chilly April morning in The Windy City. Steel cables are banging on the aluminum flagpoles across the street in front of the Post Office. A little old lady, holds on to a cabbie’s arm. His hair piece soars skyward. His eyes look up as he yells at heaven in a foreign tongue. Is he cursing, praying, or trying to make magic? What luck this appears to be when his fake rug falls to earth. But the appearance of luck doesn't keep it from bouncing and rolling down Michigan Avenue like a tumbleweed and caught up in a thermal-draft. SEQUEL: Thank God I am not vain enough to waste time and treasure on fake hair like that cabbie. I can afford it. I’ve got a ton of money. All a man really needs is a butt load of money so he can buy what he needs. When you’re in business success is up to you. It’s your job to make the right friends and take care of them.
All a man needs is a beautiful woman and a big butt load of money, and wise and strong friends. Yes, and perfect timing is good to have.
Here comes. Annie waving, running to me, struggling to hold a scarf on her head. She runs great. Perfectly beautiful and bouncing at all the best locations. Location, location, location, that’s the best way to describe her, a real estate mans dream. She’s the one. She runs on the sidewalk in front of the flags across the street in front of the post office.
But peeling rubber, spinning tires, of a yellow van as it zooms from a side street without a warning, scares my heart and it flutters. If I yell. Will she hear? If I motion will she see? She is occupied with her scarf. I run against the light to be by her side.
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Lina Paciulli Fanti Rehal I think it's good. I'm getting a vision of this guy's hair caught up in the wind. I think you've set the scene well. Maybe, just maybe, too many "ing" words? It doesn't really bother me, but I've had that pointed out to me at times. I'm never sure wh...See More

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